“Contest” is a synonym for “game” that nonetheless doesn’t share an identical meaning. The former implies that both participants have a chance. The Buffalo Bills show subtle differences in connotations by only literally participating in an NFL game. Making the Colts look good is one way to confuse the thesaurus people.
The one player we hope to see play badly watches in frustration just like us. This season’s appeal lies in seeing Josh Allen struggle, ideally getting it out of the way as he learns from regrettable outings. But his wonky elbow makes appalling efforts even more unbearable. The Bills are so eager to have a franchise quarterback that it’s easy to forget almost nobody starts as one.
Coaches want their ailing rookie savior to watch as long as he remembers to do the opposite. Showing up is important, so he should remember to at least do that. The Bills have already skipped at least one-quarter of the full season. Look forward to many more games where they could be out of it before the first Progressive ad irks viewers.
Flo is the 2018 Bills of spokespeople.
The best way to cope with pressure is by facing it, which is why Jon Gruden misses experiencing football from a booth. If merely observing helped, Derek Anderson should have a favorite Pro Bowl jersey after seven seasons with no starts. At least Allen got to observe Andrew Luck, who just needed a game against the Bills to get on track.
Enjoy the benefits of physical agony and mental anguish. Why be a Bills fan otherwise? Looking on the bright side of an injury is like noting North Korea doesn’t have much light pollution. Repression and lack of calories wear down even those most committed to Juche. Based on how the season’s going, Allen can watch and learn how not to play. Look for players wearing different colors as a clue of who to avoid.
Anderson may still not know the entire playbook, but that’s fine seeing as the Bills don’t have the personnel to call much. Keeping the playbook Tecmo Bowl-simple will surely throw off Bill Belichick.
Players astutely save energy for competitive games. Charles Clay is paid to catch footballs, not jump on them. And Vontae Davis threw away a fortune by quitting at halftime when he could’ve stayed on the roster like Kelvin Benjamin.
The new Sears manager is unlikely to create profitability. A club can’t expect much from any backup, much less a recent full-time golfer who epitomizes manning the sidelines. By the end, it was more surprising when passes weren’t intercepted.
An outing more offensive than Misfits lyrics provokes intramural strife. The defense would argue that it’s tough to focus on proper angles while they’re on the field for about 57 minutes. The offense only outscored them by a point, which is even more mortifying considering there wasn’t even a turnover returned for a touchdown.
Delivery boys are cooking dinner. In the offense’s defense, the best players are either hurt or not on the roster until next year. They’re a few injuries from making Nathan Peterman play running back. Like Elizabeth the stripper answering phones with her clothes on during The Office, they hired him for three hours of work and they’re going to get it.
Sunday was fittingly Back to the Future Day, as the Bills went forward in their way. This season jumped ahead to the useless December stage. Not having to cope with Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is small consolation. Indiana’s fans knew not to get too hyped over whooping this year’s Bills. The stadium called the morgue next door and asked them to keep it down.
The preseason feel seems bound to only grow deeper if you feared you’d have to pay attention. An utter lack of confidence is good news for those who see Monday Night Football as an excuse to patronize a tavern after the week’s first workday. I anticipate you’ll be free to enjoy a Canadian pop during a billiards game without worrying about focusing on football.
The unfathomable chasm between what should and does happen defines the Bills. Reality’s rotten nature is why Tom Brady’s moronic smug smile looms over us like Doctor T.J. Eckleburg’s billboard in The Great Gatsby. Putting the league’s cartoonish villains in their place like they deserve would make the Vikings win seem dull by comparison. If low expectations help, the Bills are in good shape. First, work on protecting a quarterback who might have his nameplate taped to his jersey.
The only hope against New England comes in preparing for 2019, and the Bills can’t even get ready properly. The season’s most formidable task will feature zero snaps for the guy who needs them most. Exposing Allen to this disease is like a flu shot that would prepare him to fight it. Instead, he’s sidelined like he has some kind of John Travolta disease.
Feeling sick is the natural reaction to this season. Even nerds mock the lack of coolness evident in the nerdy Bills. The Colts equalled Buffalo’s record by trouncing them. That may not inspire hope before facing the Patriots. If Allen can learn how to deke humiliation from watching, this agony won’t be for naught. It’s tough to see what happens while bracing in crash positions.
Editor’s babble: Not sure I’ve dreaded a MNF game more. Not getting blown out even seems unattainable at this point. Thanks to Anthony Bialy for helping us get through another painful week. You can find Anthony on Twitter @AnthonyBialy.