How typical: the Buffalo Bills were held scoreless in the second half. Well, I guess they had enough. Oh, that was just the most unlikely win in the craziest fashion we’ve ever seen or may ever see.
Buffalo’s vicious bullies cruised like everyone on Earth predicted along with everywhere else in the galaxy that follows American football. At least some people got the score right. We have all died and finally get to experience bliss after getting suffering out of the way. Do you have a better explanation?
I could get used to not checking out. In honor of the music scene in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, this Hüsker Dü-style game makes no sense at all. For me, getting nasty in the face of Minnesota nice was personal. I once got burned by molten cheese shooting out of a Jucy Lucy at Matt’s Bar, and I didn’t think I’d get revenge Sunday.
Is this what cockiness feels like? We got Tony Romo to explain why the Buffalo Bills were going to prevail and not blunder a few seconds beforehand. I lost focus by game’s end for an entirely different reason than expected. I had phone stuff to do and fell behind on Instagram Stories.
A remarkable thing happens when you stop caring. There’s a biblical lesson about finally getting what you want once you accept it may never happen. The Bills teach about life in a way those godless New England heathens never do. Guess whose fans were unprepared for being tied with Buffalo?
Even grudging faith may be rewarded. It would’ve been easy to discard obligations to a team that committed crimes against football during its first two games. But this is why we still see what happens. Everyone who decided it was time to spend Sundays in a corn maze or at some cider mill missed an all-time shocker. It’s easier to marvel at a pleasant occurrence once you lose hope.
Expecting to wallow in the garbage dump is liberating. Bills fans feel like Michael Scott after he quit. It’s fun to just watch without getting nervous about our favorite team winning. On special days, they may even pull off the most unlikely upset since a bunch of college kids beat cheating commies in an icy miracle.
An amazing thing happened while wondering if there’s a wide receiver worth 2019’s first overall pick. Imagine how everyone’s favorite hurdling quarterback could perform with a more prominent receiving corps, as he’s impressed early with what’s available. You don’t compare Josh Allen to Superman: you compare Superman to Allen.
The all-time blowout never happened. Fans were prepared to suggest that this impossibly crummy team stay in the Midwest and feel shame as they cross the Minnesota/Wisconsin border. Advising them to take a Greyhound bus would’ve been fitting if predicted nightmares came true. But reality was kind for a change. Come back and be our neighbors, Bills!
There’s bad news for anyone who wanted relief from the burden of cheering against the conference. Sure, the roster’s deficiencies might catch up to them by Sunday. But that shouldn’t stop Buffalo churches from naming themselves after Saint Josh. It’s too early to look up where the Super Bowl is this year. Okay: it’s in Atlanta.
Those suddenly salivating at the possibility of back-to-back playoff appearances are also optimistic that George R.R. Martin will finish the Game of Thrones books. This roster remains as thin as IKEA plywood, and generating a pass rush that formidable again will require proof they can keep scheming. But the destruction of hope that occurred about 37 seconds into the opener wasn’t as outright as it seemed.
It shouldn’t surprise anyone if this year still ends up as rehearsal for the next. But we can still enjoy the most spectacular twist since when M. Night Shyamalan made good movies. For now, UB is ticked that their plan to finally corner the Western New York football market was derailed.
I was expecting to enjoy football for a different reason by default. Watching Allen’s debut was reminiscent of tuning into a game between teams you don’t follow: it felt more like scouting than cheering. For now, looking at routes instead of nervously just following the ball was a one-week experiment. Practice repetitions are more intense than expected.
Committing patterns to memory is the key to athletic success. I’m sorry if that robs contests of some magic. But the drudgery of rehearsal enables delightful improvisation. The manager figures the new Wendy’s guy is going to flip a few square patties on the ground. The crew’s most prominent probationary hire already showed he can execute the Frosty curlicue.
An utter lack of worry occasionally enables the sort of relaxation that leads to success. All it took was not caring.
Now, the Bills must demonstrate they can consistently thrive while calm. Is pillaging the Vikings just the start? Or will they go the Buster Douglas route and get fat coasting on a monumental upset?
Don’t take getting superpowers for granted, as there’s nothing worse than letting a sudden dose of gamma rays go to waste. Hulk comics are more plausible than blowing out the Vikings from the first drive. The Bills showed it’s possible to alter DNA without radiation.
Editor’s babble: Still trying to prove this game really happened and I’m really here on earth. Thanks to Anthony Bialy for helping us make sense of the insensible. You can find Anthony on Twitter @AnthonyBialy.