Of course I’m counting down to the preseason opener. What else am I supposed to do: spend time with family? That’s just insane. I don’t want to associate with any psychopath who isn’t twitching with madness to the concept of semi-football. If any such lunatics are related to me, I’m edging away and remembering to not invite them to Thanksgiving.
Are you telling me there will be changes? That sounds unique. The Bills are that one team that’ll have different starters this year. To be fair, their particular situation requires extensive upheaval. The club features a higher percentage of new faces than usual while starting the second year of a new life. The shift will be dramatic even compared to their frequent do-overs.
Participants will actually be hitting each other even if everything else seems fake. The pretense of exhibition football revolves around playing to one’s utmost even though snaps are forgotten as they happen.
Our favorite club isn’t the only one treasuring the creation of semi-game film. Every staff values these quasi-plays. It’s still fine to treat the Bills as special, as if the other 31 indistinguishable clubs don’t need the rehearsals. Likewise, fans need to motivate panic, and there’s no better way to get upset than worrying about stalled summer drives.
We do things a little differently in Buffalo. Banishing those who request ranch with wings is just the start. Get to the county limit and don’t look back. For another example, the local football side made the playoffs then decided to fix the roster. The attempt to improve on nine wins coincides with replacing those who were around way back in 2016.
The Bills discarded a playoff quarterback if you didn’t hear how they run on guts. Preseason is the time to begin surprising skeptical journalistic doubters and divisional mates. As an epicenter of rebirth, Buffalo is hoping to develop talent nobody else saw from whoever starts. In that way, this staff will be replicating the Tyrod Taylor era except willing to throw it farther than he can reach.
Just give us a glimpse. We’ve been patient and relatively well-behaved. The preseason opener is like a Baskin-Robbins sample. Hope to be served a better product once you actually buy a whole cone.
Preseason is the photo you see before meeting your online date.
A little preview is sufficient. These particular newcomers make Bills fans want to swipe right. Every fan anticipates seeing Officer Tremaine Edmunds on patrol after the lawlessness that’s previously plagued his new jurisdiction. Draftees are gifts you get on your birthday you can’t play with until Christmas, so treat the game like getting to peruse the JCPenney catalog.
I hate the, let me check, Panthers. Maybe I’ll be able to summon more enmity by kickoff. All that matters is that another team’s visiting. Don’t tell them the Bills will neglect to game plan if you see the visitors feasting on Lloyd tacos.
It’ll be nice to have a trial run of what it’s like to be excited while tense. The feeling hasn’t been experienced in months. Does it still tingle?
Those cheering are as tired of the brawls between guys wearing the same helmets as those participating. It’s natural to get ticked at anyone who is in constant close proximity, which is why it’s important to take frequent walks if you’re married.
The team’s bound to get testy after countless rounds of intramural warfare. Every gain comes at the same team’s expense. Training camp is a zero-sum game where teammates lose half the time. The roster is finally looking to score at the expense of others, even if they are imitation Splenda points.
We’ll finally have a reminder of what football is like. Oh, right: competitions are why we follow this sport even though we spend most of the year deprived. Next, we’ll review the rules, which means we’ll know more than officials.
The games are not quite real despite the scoreboard. Preseason games mean seeing a cover band while waiting for your top rockers to tour. The pretend game resembles KISS with half the members impersonating the actual lineup. There will be lots of guys portraying Ace Frehley tomorrow evening.
Remember when they scored and it didn’t count? One proficient series we can cite for a month would mean a lot. Celebrate even if it’s a false start. It’s not like we need a reason to make Pizza Logs, but faux football is here just in case. Any excuse to have a picnic in a parking lot should be seized upon. Tailgaters need practice, too.
Don’t miss a quarter even though it’s meaningless. Insignificantly killing time is what life’s all about on this bleak space rock, so we may as well use a glorified scrimmage to fill the void. Yay almost football!
Editor’s babble: “Preseason is the photo you see before meeting your online date.” OK, I seriously almost aspirated when I read that line :) Thanks to Anthony for always making us laugh through all the trials and tribulations of being a Bills fan. You can find Anthony on Twitter @AnthonyBialy.