Mock drafts are like slot machines: they’re fun if you don’t expect them to line up properly. Thinking you can correctly guess what’s next is a sure way to leave Atlantic City with empty pockets. But trying offers merriment, just like how it’s a fun diversion to guess 256 selections by 32 teams. It’s probably easy. Everyone picked a Loyola for the Final Four, yes?
The universe’s most important club has a conventional need. The Buffalo Bills want a quarterback, and your game closet’s Ouija board is as reliable as any other guess about the 2018 draft. You may as well try predicting the 2020 election now; they should go as well as any from 2014 when everyone was totally sure the incumbent would win. Oprah versus Kid Rock is too conventional a guess.
Being wrong is the fun part. Fans enjoy suggesting possibilities while hoping nobody with “cold takes” in their Twitter bios finds them during searches. Wondering who the Bills will snag offers the fantasizing of Powerball while saving two dollars.
Tracking a limitless quantity of permutations is more than a fun way to get through cruel non-football months. A random team’s transaction could set off a chain reaction that destroys the Death Star. The Giants trading Jason Pierre-Paul is the latest wrinkle that could make the Mafia’s dreams come true.
New Jersey’s more respectable team may want to replace their departed firecracker with a defensive end as a consequence, at least if the New York Post reporter who initially brought the news is to be trusted. It’s definitely a wise call. They should send away Odell Beckham Jr. too just to make sure they have many needs.
I encourage everyone ahead of the Bills to trade their most prominent non-quarterbacks. There’s an easy way next month to acquire fresh replacements. The new guys are fresh out of college and thus cheap hires.
Every new development ruins yesterday’s plans. Would the Bills try to convince that other blue team that they could move back and still get their man? Or will Buffalo surrender assets for security and trade their organs and first-born sons to get that sweet second choice?
Might Cleveland ruin everything by grabbing the quarterback Brandon Beane wants? The eternal scheming is like watching a game of Risk where players conquer postseason scenarios instead of Jerry Seinfeld’s table.
Sports are weird. We’re really excited about watching people run around better than others. But it can’t just be anyone. In this particular case, Bills fans are passionate about teams before theirs drafting at particular stations. Please pursue ones who chase after the dude who throws the ball and not throwers themselves.
The Giants need all the ends they can get. That’s what I say. Or they should totally take cyborg Saquon Barkley. Their biggest need should involve freeing up a quarterback. Meanwhile, hope the Browns and Jets draft Brownesque and Jet-type passers.
This is a reminder for all non-Bills readers that quarterbacks are totally overrated. It’s just throwing the ball, which sounds easy. And you might need to only take like three steps. A wideout could run a hundred times that, so take the obvious better athlete. Please start threads on social media about how your franchise should never waste a high pick on a glorified heaver.
We better not learn what the Bills are thinking. This serves as an annual reminder that NFL executives are filthy liars. Their true intentions should be the only thing they never say. It’s part of the job description. Call it bluffing to make the deception sound craftier.
The desperation for news when there’s none means rumors get reported. General managers are keenly aware that any observations they share about certain prospects or positions will turn into stories. Most of those with the same job title are literate, so counterparts are bound to read every bit of manufactured gossip. They must fear tales becoming true.
It’s fun to guess about the draft in a nerve-wracking way. While working in football sounds like the most fun career ever, staying employed relies on predicting the weather six months from now. If it’s cloudier than claimed, you’ll be kicked outside to wait for rain.
Kill time until the acquisition process by wondering which players will soon be out of reach forever. Is it worth risking that franchises with the first 11 picks will go for quarterbacks the Bills find relatively unimpressive? Or will enough of the early selectors prefer players at 21 other positions? Every club outside of Buffalo should do what we want for parity.
Our favorite team tries to get in the minds of 31 other franchises who have distinct needs and don’t necessarily think rationally. Trading up would remove numerous maddening variables.
The Bills could bank on the league’s more woeful teams continuing to screw up. But nabbing the kind of player they haven’t had for a few decades may take exchanging numerous draft picks to move up a handful of spots. Knowing they’ll be wasted by putzing GMs doesn’t make things easier.
Editor’s babble: Thanks to Anthony Bialy for helping us laugh a little through the silly season. You can follow Anthony on Twitter @AnthonyBialy.